The kick is up, it's long enough.
The kick is no good.
Yes!
-Yeah! -Who won?
Who cares? We covered the spread.
CharIie, caII me an oId-fashioned dad...
but I was hoping my son wouIdn´t start betting on sports...
untiI he was oId enough to have a drinking probIem.
He didn´t reaIIy make a bet. I just gave him a taste of my action.
Nor do I want him tasting your action.
Dad, without action, there´s no juice.
AII of a sudden he´s Frank Sinatra.
-I bet that´s the pizza. -What´s the spread?
Pepperoni.
What´s next, CharIie? You gonna teach him how to shoot craps?
He aIready knows how to shoot craps.
I just wish I couId teach him not to bet the hard eight.
Mr. Harper, here you go, nice and hot. I threw in some extra garIic puffs as weII.
Thanks, paI.
Thank you, Mr. Harper.
If there´s anything at aII you ever need, pIease caII.
You know, pizza, dry-cIeaning, pot, women.
-How much did you tip him? -I don´t know, I gave him $50.
That´s Iike a 300% tip.
If you say so. I was never good at math.
Yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under...
and the vigorish on every footbaII game in the country.
What can I teII you? I´ve got a beautifuI mind.
Morning, Berta. Need some heIp?
Yeah. Come to my house and expIain to my daughter...
that we don´t put up baiI for cute guys with Costa Rican passports.
-Morning. -I got your groceries, CharIie.
You owe me $74.
-Why didn´t you just use my credit card? -I tried.
Funny story.
My pIatinum card.
Look what they did to my pIatinum card.
They decapitated my hoIographic eagIe.
Yeah, that´s sad. You owe me $74.
ReIax, I´II write you a check.
Berta, I´m good for $74.
There´s an assistant store manager with bad skin and a pair of scissors...
who begs to differ.
He obviousIy made a mistake. Leave it to me, I´II straighten it out.
AIan, what do I do?
CaII the bank that issued the card and figure out what´s going on.
Good idea.
How do I get the number?
It´s usuaIIy on the back of the card.
Okay, this may take a whiIe.
Are you sure?
Okay, thanks.
I don´t beIieve it.
None of my biIIs have been paid in four months.
My credit is shot. AII my cards are dead.
You don´t have to worry about paying me this week.
Thank you, Berta.
I´II just take this espresso maker and be on my way.
CaII me when things pick up.
CharIie, why haven´t you been paying your biIIs?
AIan, I don´t pay my own biIIs. I´ve got a guy.
Do you think you might want to caII your guy?
Don´t taIk down to me, AIan. I´m not stupid.
That´s the first caII I made.
-And? -And...
his number is not in service at this time.
WonderfuI buiIding.
What´s wrong with it?
The phrase ´´reeks of urine´´ comes to mind.
Here we are.
That´s seIdom a good sign.
-HeIIo, Stan? -Who wants to know?
It´s CharIie Harper.
CharIie! Good to see you. Come on in.
Just don´t rip the tape, they check.
So what´s going on? What can I do you for?
Stan, I´ve got a probIem.
Yeah, I know the feeIing.
Sit down, taIk to me. Come on.
AII of my credit cards are dead.
And they teII me the biIIs haven´t been paid in four months.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Excuse me, maybe this is none of my business...
but how does something Iike that happen?
In Iayman´s terms, your brother ran out of money.
What? How did I run out of money?
I knew you´d ask that.
Let me demonstrate.
Think of this water as cash fIow...
which, for you, wouId be royaIties from your jingIes, right?
And this cup, your financiaI weII-being.
This IittIe hoIe...
wouId be your expenses. You dig?
Now, CharIie, with most peopIe...
when money comes in...
it drips out and pays their biIIs...
with a heaIthy reserve for emergencies.
But with you, however.... This is what I Iove about you, CharIie.
You spend it as quick as you get it.
You see, you don´t drip...
you hemorrhage.
Look at that.
But when the cash fIow starts to sIow down...
there´s no reserve.
Okay.
But what happened to my money?
Artists. Where wouId we be without them?
What I don´t understand is why you didn´t warn him this was happening.
Okay, mea culpa.
Look, I´ve been a IittIe distracted IateIy. SIight probIem with the feds.
Are you embezzIing from my brother?
EmbezzIe what? HeIIo!
I thought you were the smart one.
No, this is a totaIIy unreIated...
import-export probIem, aII right?
I just cannot beIieve that one of the piñatas showed up at a kids´ party.
Oh, boy.
This has been a bIast. Don´t get me wrong...
but I have a pIane to catch right now.
I´II teII you what, just feeI free and browse through aII your fiIes.
Listen, CharIie, I´m running a IittIe short on cash, so maybe you....
Look who I´m asking!
It was great meeting you, sport. Ciao.
And you were worried.
The good news is that a substantiaI amount of royaIties...
is gonna come in in the next coupIe of months.
Great. ProbIem soIved. Let´s go out to dinner.
-No, probIem not soIved. -But I´m hungry.
Get used to it.
It´s going to take a whiIe to pay off aII the biIIs your accountant ignored...
so untiI then, you´re gonna have to cut back.
-But you said I got money coming. -ShaII I go get the paper cup?
Okay. What do we cut?
Let´s Iook at your expenses.
First thing is, we stop paying your accountant.
That´s a IittIe coId, isn´t it?
He´s great, I´ve known him for years. He´s going through a rough patch.
-CharIie, you´re broke. -You´re right, screw him.
What´s next?
You have a gardener. Why do you have a gardener?
To tend my garden.
Garden? You mean the two potted paIms on the deck?
Water them yourseIf.
Okay, but I´m gonna have to buy a hose and one of those watering things...
so isn´t that kind of a push?
Gone. Now, ´´UItimate Premiere SateIIite package´´?
That´s reaIIy cooI. I get every sporting event in the worId.
If a kid in Madagascar throws a rock at a tree, I can see it and bet on it.
It´s gone.
Oh, man. We can keep the cabIe, though, right?
You have sateIIite and cabIe?
Sometimes there´s soIar fIares.
Okay, we can cut back to basic cabIe.
Basic cabIe? That´s what they get in prison.
-Hey, what you doing? -Bad time, Rose.
Money probIems?
-How did you know? -I bought your espresso maker from Berta.
I got a great deaI ´cause she didn´t want to carry it on the bus.
WonderfuI.
CharIie, ´´misceIIaneous cash expenses´´? What exactIy is that?
I don´t know. Go see a movie, buy a hot dog, stuff Iike that.
It was $80,000 Iast year.
That. That´s women and gambIing.
Gone and gone.
Great. Why don´t I just shoot myseIf?
You can´t afford a gun.
You know, I couId Iend you some money, CharIie.
That´s very sweet, Rose, but I don´t reaIIy want to shoot myseIf.
The way I see it, you´re either gonna have to sIash expenses...
or find the money to pay your biIIs somepIace eIse.
Okay.
-I´II borrow on the house. -You´ve aIready got three mortgages.
-Is that a Iot? -Not if you have three houses.
Let me ask you a tough question.
What wouId you think about going to Mom for a short-term Ioan?
Interesting idea.
I think I´d rather have a pack of hyenas tear out and devour my intestines.
Yeah, I know. I can´t afford hyenas.
Look, you know I´d heIp you if I couId...
but aII my money´s going to my former wife, my former house...
my former wife´s current Iawyers and aII their descendants.
So if you don´t want to go to Mom...
you´re gonna have to change your IifestyIe for a few months.
Fine. You win.
I win? What do I win? How is this a win for me?
Whatever. I´II cut back, Iike you said.
Now come on, Iet´s aII go out for a nice dinner. I´m buying.
Great. Then after we can stop by my pIace for espresso.
Good idea. That´s a money saver.
´´Save 50 cents on one reguIar-sized Hamburger HeIper...
´´when you buy two of the foIIowing 10.5 ounce....´´
Screw it.
-Hi. -Hi.
How do you Iike that cabernet?
-It´s very good. -I´II have to try it sometime.
And excuse me for saying so, but you reaIIy don´t need the Lean Cuisine.
Thank you.
So, how do you Iike this...
cheese?
That.
I do a IittIe voIunteer work making sandwiches for a homeIess sheIter.
I don´t know if you know this, but a Iot of those homeIess feIIas...
Iike a IittIe snort once in awhiIe.
Okay. Seek and ye shaII find.
Twenty-four roIIs of toiIet paper for $3.99.
I know what you´re thinking, it´s singIe-pIy...
but at this price, you can doubIe up, tripIe up, go wiId!
Okay, have a nice day.
I can´t do this anymore, AIan. I quit.
You can´t quit poverty, CharIie.
I want the good stuff.
I want cheese that isn´t air-dropped into third-worId countries.
I want ouchIess toiIet paper.
I want vodka that doesn´t Iook Iike Fred FIintstone wouId drink it.
I want my Iife back.
Fine, then swaIIow your pride, caII Mom, and ask her to Iend you some money.
Yabba-dabba-doo.
Who´s the favorite?
-Green Bay. -Did you bet them?
No.
You took the Redskins?
-No action? -None.
-Then why are we watching? -Beats the heII out of me.
Anybody want a snack?
Pizza´s here.
You ordered a pizza?
CharIie, you´re supposed to be cutting back on expenses.
AIan, it´s a pizza, not a hooker.
Hey, Mr. Harper. Good to see you.
I threw in some of those garIic puffs you Iike.
Grabbed a bottIe of house red. I don´t think they´II miss it.
Thanks, buddy. Here´s for the pizza and--
CharIie.
Can I speak with you for a minute?
Hang on a sec.
-What are you pIanning on tipping him? -I don´t know.
Give him $2. That´s 15%.
-I can´t do that. -You have to.
I can´t. Did you see his face?
Go.
-There you go. -Thank you, Mr. Harper.
These are ones.
Yeah.
I can break $100.
Yeah, I´m having kind of a cash fIow probIem.
Yeah. WeII, we had a good run.
Wait.
-Here. -No, keep it.
You need it more than I do.
So, Deborah said that JuIie had an addiction to cosmetic procedures.
And I said, ´´WeII, then she needs to go to BOTOX detox.´´
Everyone Iaughed and Iaughed...
but, of course, you couIdn´t teII ´cause none of their faces were moving.
That´s pretty funny, Mom.
Listen....
Right. You wanted to teII me something.
Yeah. Maybe you shouId sit down.
What now? You got some girI pregnant?
You´re gay? You´re on drugs?
$10 says pregnant.
-Jake, go to your room. -I´m giving odds.
Go.
Okay. Here´s the thing.
WouId you Iike a drink?
I suppose. A screwdriver might be nice.
I can´t go through with this, AIan.
Sure you can. She´II make a coupIe of snide comments...
about your frivoIous IifestyIe, which IuckiIy, she doesn´t know the haIf of.
You´II just suck it up, pay her back in a coupIe of months and that´II be that.
With Mom, ´´that´´ is never ´´that.´´ The guiIt is aIways there.
To this day, she stiII reminds me how much she had to sacrifice...
just so I couId get braces.
Like I deIiberateIy had crooked teeth so she´d be forced to drive a domestic car.
-AII right, then just drop it. -It´s dropped.
-Don´t ask her. -I won´t.
-Let it go. -It´s gone.
By the way, they´re about to repossess your Jaguar.
Mommy?
Very nice.
So, how much do you need?
I admit that my IifestyIe has been a IittIe frivoIous...
and I probabIy shouId have been paying cIoser attention to my expenses.
AII right. How much do you need?
This is just a temporary thing, coupIe of months.
-How much? -You´II get it back.
This isn´t Iike the braces and the Mercury Capri.
CharIie, give me a number.
I reaIIy appreciate this, Mom.
No more need be said.
You´II pay it back when you can.
Thanks.
AII right. Now that that´s taken care of, why don´t I take my boys out to dinner?
There it is!
Everything´s got a price.
-CharIie, what are you-- -No.
She can´t just do something nice, there´s gotta be strings attached.
Nothing´s given out of Iove. Everything´s got a hook in it!
You can keep your money, Iady, because I´m a free man...
and I can´t be bought.
Now if you´II excuse me, I have to go hide my car.
They're gonna take my Jag away
CharIie, can I taIk to you for a minute?
I guess.
How come it´s so dark in here?
Do you have any idea how much eIectricity costs?
No.
I didn´t, either, but it turns out it´s quite a racket.
Listen.
I know you´re going through a tough time and I reaIIy wanna heIp you out.
So, pIease take this.
This is a cashier´s check. Where did you get a cashier´s check?
From my dad´s bank, siIIy.
Your dad owns a bank?
Not aII by himseIf. Me and my brother and sister own 49%.
ReaIIy?
What about your mom?
She doesn´t have a bank.
-I see. -She´s in oiI.
-So you reaIIy have-- -Yep, more than God.
Didn´t figure that when you dumped me, did you?
Rose, it wouIdn´t have mattered.
I know. That´s one of the things I Iove about you.
You discard women regardIess of their financiaI status.
Thanks. But I can´t take this.
You think I´m crazy, don´t you?
My dad and brother said I was crazy...
but I think that was to form a power bIock to squeeze me off the Board of Directors.
Shame on them.
I toId them that you´d heIp me if I needed it.
I mean, you´re the first guy I´ve ever met who hasn´t cared about my money.
Who sIept with me because he was drunk, not because I was rich.
I onIy wanted to heIp you because I thought that we were friends.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am crazy.
No, Rose, it´s fine. I am your friend.
And if it means that much to you, I´II take the money.
Thank you, CharIie. How can I ever repay you?
Don´t worry about it. And I wiII pay you back.
I know that.
Better I shouId owe you than my manipuIating, scheming mother.
That´s the nicest thing you´ve ever said to me.
Hang on, I´II grab you a tissue.
Thank you.
EngIish